Human female sexuality

Why do Women Lose their Sexual Desire? Why Do Women in Committed Relationships Lose Sexual Desire? Causes A woman's desire for sex is based on a complex interaction of many components affecting intimacy, including physical well-being, emotional well-being, experiences, beliefs, lifestyle and current relationship. If you're experiencing a problem in any of these areas, it can affect your sexual desire. Physical causes A wide range of illnesses, physical changes and medications can cause a low sex drive, including: • Sexual problems. If you experience pain during sex or an inability to orgasm, it can hamper your desire for sex. • Medical diseases. Numerous nonsexual diseases can also affect desire for sex, including arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and neurological diseases. • Medications. Many prescription medications — including some antidepressants and anti-seizure medications — are notorious libido killers. • Alcohol and drugs. A glass of wine may make you feel amorous, but too much alcohol can spoil your sex drive; the same is true of street drugs. • Surgery. Any surgery related to your breasts or your genital tract can affect your body image, sexual function and desire for sex. • Fatigue. The exhaustion of caring for aging parents or young children can contribute to low sex drive. Hormone changes Changes in your hormone levels may alter your desire for sex. This can occur during: • Menopause. Estrogen levels drop during the transition to menopause. This can cause decreased interest in sex and dryer vaginal tissues, resulting in painful or uncomfortable sex. At the same time, women may also experience a decrease in the hormone testosterone, which boosts sex drive in men and women alike. Although many women continue to have satisfying sex during menopause and beyond, some women experience a lagging libido during this hormonal change. • Pregnancy and breast-feeding. Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and during breast-feeding can put a damper on sex drive. Of course, hormones aren't the only factor affecting intimacy during these times. Fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of carrying — or caring for — a new baby can all contribute to changes in your sexual desire. Psychological causes Your problems don't have to be physical or biological to be real. There are many psychological causes of low sex drive, including: • Mental health problems, such as anxiety or depression • Stress, such as _______ stress or work stress •Poor body image •Low self-esteem •History of physical or sexual abuse Relationship issues For many women, emotional closeness is an essential prelude to sexual intimacy. So problems in your relationship can be a major factor in low sex drive. Decreased interest in sex is often a result of ongoing issues, such as: •Lack of connection with your partner •Unresolved conflicts or fights •Poor communication of sexual needs and preferences •Infidelity or breach of trust What is the true nature of female sexuality? When it comes to women's priorities, why, once in a secure relationship, is sex no longer on top? Exploring what defines women's libido and why it becomes depleted, I investigate whether we have unrealistic expectations about our sex drive, who defines what is normal and abnormal, and if 'low libido' is in fact the natural order of things. I also provide concrete ways women can work toward defining their own jouissance--a personalized female sexuality that can lead to a more sensual, vibrant life. 1. Don't believe the hype: our sexuality is culturally relative. Sexuality is shaped by culture and history. For example, a hundred years ago a woman who loved sex could be regarded as being mentally disturbed, whereas today if you don't love sex you could end up being diagnosed as dysfunctional. With this in mind, it pays to be skeptical of labels that pathologize sexual difference. 2. Our desire to appear desirable exceeds desire itself. It is well known that media and advertising can have a devastating effect on women's self-esteem--but it affects our sexual self-esteem too. Feeling like we don't live up to the physical ideal, women often grow to view themselves, and even their genitalia, as undesirable. Rather than having sex, many women simply want to look like they are having sex. We are too busy chasing beautiful to want to kiss beautifully. Too busy chasing the veneer of desirability, to desire. Our animal instincts have become inverted: time devoted to preening overrides time devoted to mating and sexual pleasure. 3. Ditch the rom-com storyline. Passionate monogamy, the goal for most, promises lust-ever-after. But we have unrealistic expectations about relationships. In actual fact, it is natural for sexual intensity to decline over the duration of a relationship, as we age, due to life pressures and when we have children. Although lust may dampen, it is possible to maintain love and connection, and increase our chances of desire showing up too. 4. Actually, low female desire is 'normal.' Women have been made to feel that having a low libido means something is wrong with them. Currently women with chronic low libido are pathologized as having a type of female sexual dysfunction called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). The trouble is, many of the researchers who have come up its nebulous definition have financial ties to pharmaceutical companies. I argue that in a long-term monogamous relationship it is extremely common to have a lukewarm interest in sex and rarely initiate it. Far from being a disorder, low libido is just the natural state of affairs for many women. 5. The so-called sexless __________. Consider the current definition of a 'sexless marriage'--a relationship in which the couple has sex ten times a year or less. Really? So couples that have been together for a decade and are going through the highs and lows of life, have sex nearly once a month. Rather than brandishing a negative label, good for them, I say. 6.The hand that rocks the cradle doesn't rock the bedroom. Research indicates that one-third of couples experience significant sexual loss upon having children. For instance, across ninety studies, parents had lower marital satisfaction than non-parents, and a strong correlation was found between marital dissatisfaction and greater number of children. For women, it is increasingly difficult to carve out the duel identity of mother and sensual lover. Plus, there is a rival for her affections--children. 7. There is more than one type of sexual prime. As we age, women often experience less desire due to many factors, including illness (their partners' and their own), and issues associated with self-image. However, although many of us are familiar with the notion of sexual prime in relation to the physical--body, genitals, and hormones--it is not the full picture. An emotional prime also exists, related to spirit, maturity, and fluidity with life. Physical and emotional factors are intertwined and interact in unpredictable and exciting ways. Many women experience a sexual renaissance in their later years. Fortunately, sexual prime can peak at any age. 8. Pursuit of pink Viagra. Drug companies have been busy trying to undress the complexities of human sexuality in a race to create a "pink Viagra" - a global sex drug for women. A plethora of drugs targeting the female libido are steadily being researched. Such drugs, whether creams, patches, sprays or pills, target genital blood flow, hormones, or brain chemistry. Female sex drugs are not yet on sale at your local pharmacy. Many are currently being trialed - for the second or third time - while most have been flat-out rejected by the FDA because they haven't been considered safe or effective enough for public consumption. This hasn't stopped doctors from prescribing such drugs 'off-label:' using legal drugs for unapproved purposes. Describing this, one big league researcher says an "uncontrolled clinical trial of the safety of testosterone is already happening in the community." 9. Free range sexuality. In many ways female sexuality is still mysterious. And since scientists can't agree about what women's sexual response is, what constitutes female sexual dysfunction, or if women have a definitive sexual peak, it is unrealistic to expect us to have a similar sex drive. For women who no longer care for sex, or for those who never did, refuge may be found in this inability to prove what is 'normal.' Perhaps we can use this to free ourselves from comparing our sexuality to the sexuality of others and instead manifest our own sexual path. Moreover, there has never been a culture where women have been encouraged to explore and experiment with their sensuality without censure. We don't understand the full potential of female sexuality, free range. 10. Getting sexy back. In pursuit of our full sex drive, if we are so inclined, we can explore a wide range of techniques and practices. Some engage in mindfulness or stillness exercises. Another novel approach is to create distance - particularly important as couples are spending more time together than ever before. For those seeking intensity, there are ways to manufacture a sense of danger, proven biochemically to heighten sexual interest. For the many of us who are leading busy lives, our libido can be rechanneled from other projects. But whatever road we choose, let us work toward defining our own jouissance: a personalized female sexuality. This process, as described in my book Sex Drive: In Pursuit of Female Desire (Allen & Unwin), is not only possible but also liberating, leading to a more sensual life. HOW TO RECOVER DESIRE 1. Rule out medical conditions and possible side effects of medications. 2. Explore _________ about sex. 3. Work on healing from emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. 4. Improve marital communication. Develop conflict resolution skills. Discuss marital issues assertively with respect and consideration for each other. Talk to each other openly about your wishes, hopes, and dreams. Communicate your sexual feelings and desires. Share your turn-ons and turn-offs. 5. Focus on sensuality and romance. Have a moratorium on sexual intercourse. Decrease the pressure for orgasms. Create warmth and comfort in touching each other - especially outside the bedroom. Go dancing. Give each other back rubs, facial and foot massages before attempting whole body massages. Take showers and hot tubs together. 6. Don't make desire a prerequisite for sexual intimacy. Desire does not necessarily have to precede arousal. If you allow yourself to be open to being sexually stimulated by your partner, desire can follow your arousal. 7. Understand and work on individual, medical, and relationship issues that contributed to the problem. Consider individual and couples therapy. Remember that problems with sexual desire don't occur overnight, so healing and recovery will take time. Primary care doctors and gynecologists often ask about sex and intimacy as part of a routine medical visit. Take this opportunity to be candid about your sexual concerns. If your doctor doesn't broach the subject, bring it up. You may feel embarrassed to talk about sex with your doctor, but this topic is perfectly appropriate. In fact, your sexual satisfaction is a vital part of your overall health and well-being. What you can do To prepare for this discussion with your doctor: •Take note of any sexual problems you're experiencing, including when and how often you usually experience them. •Make a list of your key medical information, including any conditions for which you're being treated, and the names of all medications, vitamins or supplements you're taking. •Consider questions to ask your doctor and write them down. Bring along notepaper and a pen to jot down information as your doctor addresses your questions. Some basic questions to ask your doctor include: •What could be causing my problem? •Will my level of desire ever get back to what it once was? •What lifestyle changes can I make to improve my situation? •What treatments are available? •What books or other reading materials can you recommend? Questions your doctor may ask Your doctor will ask questions about the symptoms you're experiencing and assess your hormonal status. Questions your doctor may ask include: •Do you have any sexual concerns? •Has your interest in sex changed? •Do you have trouble becoming aroused? •Do you experience vaginal dryness? •Are you able to have an orgasm? •Do you have any pain or discomfort during sex? •How much distress do you feel about your sexual concerns? •How long have you experienced this problem? •Are you still having menstrual periods? •Have you ever been treated for cancer? •Have you had any gynecologic surgeries? •What medications or vitamin supplements do you take? Tests and diagnosis By definition, you may be diagnosed with hypoactive sexual desire disorder if you frequently lack sexual thoughts or desire, and the absence of these feelings causes you personal distress. Whether you fit this medical diagnosis or not, your doctor can look for reasons that your sex drive isn't as high as you'd like and find ways to help. In addition to asking you questions about your medical history, your doctor may also: •Perform a pelvic exam. During a pelvic exam, your doctor can check for signs of physical changes contributing to low sexual desire, such as thinning of your genital tissues, vaginal dryness or pain-triggering spots. •Recommend testing. Blood tests may check for evidence of thyroid problems, diabetes, high cholesterol and liver disorders. •Refer you to a specialist. A specialized counselor or sex therapist may be able to better evaluate emotional and relationship factors that can cause low sex drive. Treatments and drugs Most women benefit from a treatment approach aimed at the many causes behind this condition. Recommendations may include sex education, counseling and sometimes medication. Medications Your doctor will want to evaluate the medications you're already taking, to see if any of them tend to cause sexual side effects. For example, antidepressants such as paroxetine (Paxil, Pexeva) and fluoxetine (Prozac, Sarafem) often lower sex drive. Switching to bupropion (Aplenzin, Wellbutrin) — a different variety of antidepressant — usually improves sex drive. Counseling Talking with a sex therapist or counselor skilled in addressing sexual concerns can help with low sex drive. Therapy often includes education about sexual response and techniques and recommendations for reading materials or couples' exercises. Hormone therapy Estrogen delivered throughout your whole body — by pill, patch or gel — can have a positive effect on brain function and mood factors that affect sexual response. But this systemic estrogen therapy may increase your risk of heart disease and breast cancer. Smaller doses of estrogen — in the form of a vaginal cream or a slow-releasing suppository or ring that you place in your vagina — can increase blood flow to the vagina and help improve desire without the risks associated with systemic estrogen. In some cases, your doctor may prescribe a combination of estrogen and progesterone. Male hormones, such as testosterone, play an important role in female sexual function, even though testosterone occurs in much lower amounts in women. However, replacing testosterone in women is controversial and it's not approved by the Food and Drug Administration for sexual dysfunction in women. Plus, it can cause acne, excess body hair, and mood or personality changes Lifestyle and home remedies Healthy lifestyle changes can make a big difference in your desire for sex: •Exercise. Regular aerobic exercise and strength training can increase your stamina, improve your body image, elevate your mood and boost your libido. •Stress less. Finding a better way to cope with work stress, financial stress and daily hassles can enhance your sex drive. •Communicate with your partner. Couples who learn to communicate in an open, honest way usually maintain a stronger emotional connection, which can lead to better sex. Communicating about sex also is important. Talking about your likes and dislikes can set the stage for greater sexual intimacy. •Set aside time for intimacy. Scheduling sex into your calendar may seem contrived and boring. But making intimacy a priority can help put your sex drive back on track. •Add a little spice to your sex life. Try a different sexual position, a different time of day or a different location for sex. If you and your partner are open to experimentation, sex toys and fantasy can help rekindle your sexual sizzle. Coping and support Low sex drive can be very difficult for you and your partner. It's natural to feel frustrated or sad if you aren't able to be as sexy and romantic as you want — or you used to be. At the same time, low sex drive can make your partner feel rejected, which can lead to conflicts and strife. And this type of relationship turmoil can further reduce desire for sex. It may help to remember that fluctuations in your sex drive are a normal part of every relationship and every stage of life. Try not to focus all of your attention on sex. Instead, spend some time nurturing yourself and your relationship. Go for a long walk. Get a little extra sleep. Kiss your partner goodbye before you head out the door. Make a date night at your favorite restaurant. Feeling good about yourself and your partner can actually be the best foreplay.