| 1. Definition |
2. Causes
Here are further guidelines. |
| 3. Types |
| 4. Relevant anatomy, physiology, biochemistry |
| 5. Symptoms and signs anger5.html |
| 6. Medical emergencies associated with this medical condition |
| 7. Risk factors |
| 8. Normal values |
| 9. Various diagnostic tests |
| 10. Diagnosis |
11. Complications
Here are further guidelines. |
12. Treatment or management
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| 13. Epidemiology |
| 14. History of this medical condition |
| 15. Prevention |
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What is anger? What causes people to get angry? What causes anger? Are there different types of anger? What are various ways people respond to anger? Is anger ever justified? If so, how can we determine whether it is? Is anger ever a good thing? If so, when? Why? Is anger ever a bad thing? If so, when? Why? Are there better and worse ways to respond to one's own anger? How do you decide what to do when you get angry? Do you think men and women show their angry differently? What makes you angry? When was the last time you got angry? * Tell us about it. What do you usually do when you get angry? What are the situations that make you angry? What are the physical effects of getting angry? (e.g blood pressure...) Is getting angry an effective way of dealing with problems? Can you suggest some healthy ways to deal with anger? What's the best way to handle anger? Can anger harm your health? When is professional help needed? What can you do if you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control? |
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What causes people to get angry?
Sources of provocating anger can be any of the following. Verbal provocation. Written provocation. Presence of a harmful source. Other sources. You need to contact the source of this provocation. Inform them clearly. Please stop this. Please take me off the list. If you don't stop this, I will seek damages for harassement. The Nature of Anger Anger is "an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage," according to Charles Spielberger, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and blood pressure go up, as do the levels of your energy hormones, adrenaline, and noradrenaline. Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also trigger angry feelings. Expressing Anger The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive—not aggressive—manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward—on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. As Dr. Spielberger notes, "when none of these three techniques work, that's when someone—or something—is going to get hurt." Anger Management The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your reactions. Are You Too Angry? There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion. Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others? People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake. What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. Is It Good To "Let it All Hang Out?" Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that "letting it rip" with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you're angry with) resolve the situation. It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge. Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay Relaxation Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques. Some simple steps you can try: * Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut." * Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply. * Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination. * Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation. Cognitive Restructuring Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution. Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse). Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away. Problem Solving Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem. Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away. Better Communication Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering. Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one. Using Humor "Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation. The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them! When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression. What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh. Changing Your Environment Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap. Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them. Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments. Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm. Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train. Do You Need Counseling? If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior. When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used. What About Assertiveness Training? It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them. That isn't something that most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful tactics to use in frustrating situations. Remember, you can't eliminate anger—and it wouldn't be a good idea if you could. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you anger; and sometimes it will be justifiable anger. Life will be filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep them from making you even more unhappy in the long run. Anger is something that many people deal with on a daily basis. But there is a difference between simply being angry on occasion and those individuals whose anger is threatening to consume their lives. Anger is perfectly natural and is a natural response to some situations. But if you find yourself growing impatient and angry on a daily basis you need to get some help. Do not let it take over your life and make bad decisions for you. Anger can lead to very real problems both with you and your family or friends. Even strangers are greatly impacted by your inability to control your anger. You have to take that first step and in this article you can learn some of the ways that anger affects both you and your loved ones. How does anger affect me emotionally and mentally? Anger may not seem to be affecting you on an emotional and mental level at first but over time it can begin wearing down your mental well-being. Little things can begin to bother you that may not have bothered you before. You can begin to find that your concentration begins to suffer and that your mood swings are more dramatic. This mental and emotional toll will begin to impact your physical health. Does anger affect my relationships with my family? No one likes to be yelled at and have someone be angry with them. Someone in the grips of an angry outburst can do or say anything. Many abusive relationships have come from individuals who could not control their tempers and so began taking it out on other people. This can damage self-esteem and erode the foundation of trust that is essential to all relationships. Unfortunately there are some people with anger problems that use more than words to take out their problems onto other people. Physical violence accomplishes absolutely nothing. How does anger affect teenagers? Anger and teenagers can seem to go hand in hand. Adults naturally expect teens to have some sort of anger problem due to their hormones but that is not always the case. Teenagers are under a lot of stress due to their changing roles in this world. They are no longer children and given the same leeway and they are not adults with adult freedoms. It can be stress from work, school and personal relationships that manifest itself in anger issues that cause their home life and relationships to suffer as well as their physical and mental health. How do I seek treatment for myself? The first step is identifying that you have a problem with your temper and that you want to seek out help. Once you have taken this important step the next steps will seem mild in comparison. You will need to seek the help of a counselor or therapist that specializes in anger management issues. You will need a support network of people close to you that can help you in times where you feel anger coming on again. Your close family members and friends will also need someone they can talk with if your anger problem has affected their lives. The best advice is to call a local mental health clinic and get a referral to a specialist. Q. What is the cost of anger? Q. Can anger ever be positive? Q. How can I tell when my anger is getting out of control? Q. Can someone or something cause me to get angry? Q. When is anger good? Q. Is there a difference between anger management and domestic violence? Q. What springs to mind when you hear the word ‘angerÂ’? Q. Are you an angry person? Q. What are you angry about? Q. How do I help my child control his anger? Q. What are you like when you are angry? Q. WhatÂ’s the angriest youÂ’ve ever been? Q. When you get angry, do you stay angry for a long time? Q. Do you like looking at other people getting angry? Q. Why do we have the emotion of anger? Q. Why do we get angriest with the ones we love? Q. Is there anything positive about getting angry? Q. Who is the angriest person you know? Q. Who on Earth angers you most? Q. Is it easy for you to control and hide your anger? Q. Do I have to take the class all at once? You do not have to take the class all at once. In fact you can take the class in as many sittings as you like for as much or as little time as you like. It's completely self-paced. I need my certificate right away! How fast can I get it? Is there a time limit? There is no time limit for taking the class. You can take it in a few days or over many months. What if I don't want to take this class online? The ______ also offers a home study version of this class using exactly the same materials. Click here for more information. Is your class guaranteed? While many participants take our online anger management programs for personal or occupational reasons, others may take them for a court or probation requirement. We are so confident in the quality and acceptance of our programs. If for any reason this program is not accepted for a court requirement, we will refund your money in full with written proof of decline. What is the Certificate of Completion? Our Certificate of Completion comes on an official form commonly used by anger management professionals. It simply states "Anger Management Program Certificate of Completion". Also included on the certificate is your name, date of birth, case number (if for court), address, phone number, and number of sessions completed (either 8 or 12). We use the same certificate for all of our programs. How do I get a proof of enrollment? You can download a proof of enrollment once you sign up for the course. Can I go back and review materials? While you are taking the class you can go back and review any materials that you have already seen. Can I print out the materials? You are welcome to print out any of the materials for your personal use. When you express anger, do you do so inwardly or outwardly? What situations are most likely to arouse anger in you? What is the difference between justified anger and unjustified anger? Can exercise help to control my anger? How can I control my anger at work? I have heard that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help with anger management. How long does it last? Can exercise help to control my anger? Yes. Negative emotions such as anger are often related to feelings of frustration and stress. Physical activity is a very effective method of relieving these feelings. Explanation Physical activity helps to reduce the feelings that make you angry, such as frustration and stress. It does this by increasing the amount of hormones (endorphins) in your body that improve your mood. This makes you feel better about yourself and improves your state of mind. This is particularly important if you have low self-esteem and confidence. Performing 30 minutes of moderate intensity exercise at least five times a week can improve your psychological well being and help control anger. Moderate exercise needs to be intense enough to make you feel short of breath and warm, and to raise your heart rate. If you haven't been physically active for a while, then you may need professional supervision. Most fitness centres can give advice and devise a programme to meet your needs. If you're unsure, get advice from your GP. If you find exercise a chore, choose an activity that you enjoy, such as swimming, cycling or dancing. You may find group exercises and competitive sports more rewarding as they can help form new friendships. Resistance exercises, such as weight lifting, can boost your self-esteem and improve your self-image. Further information How can I control my anger at work? If you find yourself getting angry at work it could have a negative effect on both yourself and your colleagues. There are several methods you can use to help reduce stress levels and control your anger. Explanation Feeling angry at work can be caused by stress and tension in your job. Factors such as a pressurised environment, long working hours and a degree of responsibility can make you more likely to have high stress levels. This can result in loss of temper and control when it all becomes too much. If you can't manage your anger effectively, it can lead to violent outbursts and aggression, which will have a negative effect on your relationship with your colleagues. If you find yourself getting stressed and frustrated at work follow the tips below. * Organise your workload. You could try making a list of things you need to complete during the day. * Prioritise your workload and tackle one task at a time. * Take a break and go for a walk or get a drink of water. * Try breathing exercises to help you relax. * Tell your manager or work colleague how you're feeling. This will help you to release tension by talking. You may feel you need more help if you have already tried to solve your work-related anger and it remains an issue for you. Some workplaces have occupational health staff who can give you more information, or you may prefer to see your GP. You could also benefit from time management, goal setting, problem solving or assertiveness courses. Further information I have heard that cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help with anger management. How long does it last? There is no standard course of therapy. The number of treatment sessions you have will depend on the problems you're facing and how you want to do the course of treatment. Explanation If you plan to have face-to-face meetings with a therapist, you will usually see him or her for five and 20 treatment sessions either weekly or fortnightly. Each session will last between 30 and 60 minutes. Completion of the course will depend on your commitment and active involvement in the therapy. During your first session the therapist will listen to you talk about your problems and try to find out what is making you angry. This will help to give a better idea of the number of sessions you will need. The therapist will also ensure that each session is well structured to make use of the time efficiently. You may prefer to learn CBT techniques at home rather than seeing a therapist. Several computer programs and self-help books are available to help you apply the training. You may find this is more time efficient as it's readily available and you can access the information at home. Can Anger Really be Managed? Problem Solving Skills Establish regular problem-solving sessions to avoid angry arguments. Many couples do well with one session each week, but some need them more often and others may need them less often. Choose a time when neither person feels tired and when you have plenty of time to problem solve without distractions. Both people must accept criticism and try to learn from it. Write down any agreement you make in order to avoid arguments about the terms later. If you fail to find solutions to several problems, you can often make contracts trading one improvement for another (I will do ..., if you do ...). To hold a problem-solving session or calm down a heated discussion or argument, take turns listening quietly while the other person explains feelings and viewpoints about the problem issue right down to the last detail. During the other person's turn to speak, the listener may speak only to ask questions that help clarify the speaker's perspective. Try to focus on the early stages of upsetting conflicts or arguments, even what was going on before the problem began. Couples can easily blame each other and become frustrated again in discussing the escalating argument, when both probably acted in negative ways. The conditions before the argument and the early stages are generally more understandable and acceptable and may suggest triggers and early actions or decisions that led to later escalation. In problem solving and in angry arguments, define problems in very specific, observable actions (actions, words, tone of voice, and facial expression). Both of you should try to eliminate the communication problems listed in the box. After each session of problem solving, evaluate your skills using the questions listed here. Avoid These Communication Problems * Yelling * Insults * Blaming and Trying to Make the Other Person Feel Guilty * Avoiding Issues * Getting Off a Subject Before You Exhaust It or Find a Solution * The Attitude "I'm Right and You're Wrong" * Bringing Up Old Resentments or the Past * Using Personal Knowledge of Sensitive Issues to Hurt the Other Person * Manipulative Communication to Get What You Want (such as deceiving, crying, pouting, sulking, or lying) * Nagging, Demands, and Ultimatums * Overgeneralizations (such as "You never ..." or "You always ...") * Too Many Interruptions * Cross-Complaining (responding to a complaint by bringing up your own complaint) * Mixed Messages (giving two contradicting impressions, perhaps one verbally and one nonverbally) * Dominating a Conversation * Assuming That You Know What the Other Person Thinks or Feels and Telling Them, Interpreting Their "True" Wishes or Motivations, or Psychologically Analyzing Them How Is Your Problem Solving? * Were we logical and calm? * Did we listen well? * Did we define problems and solutions in specific behaviors? * Which communication problems above were we guilty of? * Were we both willing to compromise? * Did we brainstorm and evaluate a number of possible solutions? * What should we do differently next time? Both of you should make two lists of specific behaviors for improving the relationship: one you can do and one your partner can do. Try to think of things that would help make you or the other person feel more loved, more appreciated, or happier. Consider decreasing or eliminating negative behaviors, too. Use your answers to these two questions as menus for choosing pleasing and loving activities and as the basis for problem solving or creating contracts that trade improvements of fairly equal difficulty (I will do ..., if you do...). Anger Control Techniques Work on recognizing anger early, before it escalates. Point out when voices get louder, faster, more tense, or more demanding. Use unkind sarcasm or failure to follow through on commitments as a clue to anger. Once you recognize your anger, make a polite request. If it works, you don't even need to express your anger. If it doesn't work, use your anger to tactfully insist on negotiation, compromise, and problem solving. The anger will pass if you accept it and express it respectfully. Help an angry or explosive man to express his feelings several times each day. This is an important first step in learning to use anger constructively. Anger often covers up feelings of hurt, insecurity, inadequacy, or fear. Use "I feel (an emotion) when (this happened)" statements, but not "I feel you ..." or "I feel (an emotion) when you ..." statements, which often lead to critical, blaming comments. Teach him to make polite requests and avoid blaming or verbally attacking you. Use the next two techniques whenever either partner can't maintain a calm, respectful tone of voice and carefully listen to the other. First, take a few deep breaths, relax the tension in your body (perhaps by stretching), and slowly count until you calm down, whether this takes 5 seconds, 20 seconds, or more. Imagine your parents and grandparents, a preacher or priest, a respected and well-loved teacher or boss, your counselor, or several policemen are watching how you respond. If you can't use a calm tone of voice to respond tactfully and respectfully, start counting again and pretend the authority figures are watching. If this doesn't help, take a time out. Leave and do something else until you calm down. Be sure to avoid angry thinking when you count or leave to calm down. Repeatedly thinking about the conflict only prolongs the upset feelings. If you tend to blame other people or circumstances for your anger, read or repeat every day, "Nobody makes me angry. I make myself angry over certain situations and only I can change this." If a man's anger is intense or explosive, don't bother with counting: he should leave the situation immediately. If he has ever been violent, he should use time out often, at least several times a week for practice and to develop the habit, even if he feels only mildly irritated and doesn't really need to leave. Avoid angry thinking during time out by getting things done or doing what you enjoy. You might work on a hobby, read a good book, or work on projects around the house. Practicing meditation or deep relaxation is an excellent way to calm down. Physical activities such as walking, jogging, exercising, or bicycling help by releasing tension. Don't punish a loved one by leaving for much longer than an hour or two. Be very careful if you drive a car because angry people often drive dangerously. Don't use alcohol or other drugs when you feel angry. If you return and can't use a calm tone of voice to respond respectfully, despite pretending authority figures are watching, leave again and do something else. As you gradually improve in dealing with your anger, you should be able to reduce the time you need away from the situation to calm down. Whenever either of you feels angry, use the questions listed in the box to help you think more carefully and logically. Questions to Help Angry People Think More Logically * Why am I angry? * What else contributed to this state of mind? * What other feelings do I have? o Am I feeling __________? o Hurt? o Shocked? o Threatened? o Am I afraid of change or of losing something? o Am I feeling vulnerable? o Bewildered? o __________? o Insulted? o Harassed? o Manipulated? * What did I expect in the situation? * Did I check to see if my impressions are correct? o What is the proof? o How else could I interpret this? o And how else? * Am I overreacting or blowing things out of proportion? * Who am I angry at? * Am I venting my anger at someone other than the source of my frustration? * Am I overlooking the good aspects of my relationship with this person? * Is the event really less important than I first thought? * Am I blaming someone for the anger I responded with? * Did the person I am angry at intentionally hurt me? * Could a difference in lifestyles, values, opinions, or upbringing play a part in this conflict? * How do the other people involved in this situation probably feel? o In what other ways could they possibly feel? * Am I being selfish and forgetting the needs and desires of other people? * How can I best bring about the changes I need? * Do I need to learn to accept a situation that won't change? * What would I say to a friend in this situation if I were trying to help? * What would a counselor, teacher, or minister trying to help say? To work on a bad temper, involve as many family members and friends as possible. This greatly increases your chances of success. The more people monitoring your progress, giving you suggestions, reminding you, and encouraging you, the better. Ask them to do these things at least twice a week in detailed conversations. If you ask only a few loved ones, they should monitor and encourage you every day. Find out who would accept phone calls, day and night, to help calm you down when you are angry. Rewards or penalties can help. You could refuse a date and go out with someone else any week in which your boyfriend yells. A parent or loved one might offer spending money or the use of the car in any week with no yelling. Act out (roleplay) situations that typically anger you, so you can practice improved, helpful responses. If your boyfriend has ever been violent in anger, be sure to roleplay common triggers for his anger. What You Can Do When He Is Angry When your boyfriend is angry at you, make a special effort to remain calm. Take a few deep breaths, relax tension in your body, speak slowly, and keep your voice soft. Staying calm encourages him to calm down. Say "I'm sorry you're upset." Don't act impatient, treat him as stupid or immature, nor make a fool of him in front of other people. If he yells at you or speaks loudly, point out what he needs to do in a positive, rather than negative, way. Don't say "Stop yelling!" Say something like, "Let's sit down and talk this over calmly." Reassure him that you can both work together and find a solution when he calms down. If you have overcome worse problems in the past, say so. Occasionally allow him to save face with excuses. Listen carefully, use good eye contact, and show your attention by saying "Oh," "uh huh," "hmm," "I see," etc. Occasionally rephrase or summarize his ideas to show you understand and to allow him to clarify feelings or issues, if necessary. Start with the simplest issues first in order to have some success in negotiating. Agree with him when you can, praise something good about him, and try to find and express positive feelings about him. Backing down on one of your minor points can help, but doing so regularly without him also compromising shows unassertiveness and allows him to take advantage of you. A bad temper is a long-term habit. You may need to assert yourself again and again for months to change an explosive boyfriend. Use persistent repetition in making your needs and desires known, requests, demands, saying no, putting forth your opinion, complaining about treatment you don't like, and refusing sex when you so desire. In a calm but firm way, keep insisting on your rights and the changes you need until he takes you seriously and agrees or compromises with you. A strong, clear, firm voice sounds very different from a weak, soft, pleading, or monotonous voice. Repeating won't always work, but people often don't get what they want simply because they give up too easily. Persistence proves how determined you are. Focus on the issue important to you. Don't let him change the conversation and argue related issues. Occasionally, you may need to repeat yourself more loudly, firmly, insistently, or even angrily to get what you want. Good rates of eye contact are more assertive than looking away or looking down too much. Use good, but not rigid, posture. Don't laugh, use humor, or smile inappropriately when you need to defend your rights. Act serious. Remember, polite requests and assertiveness work much better than anger. Your anger can lead to a vicious cycle of arguments, anger, and retaliation that contributes to your boyfriend's problem behaviors. Emphasize more positive approaches such as increasing positive interactions, making contracts, and rewarding behaviors you like. Can you suggest some healthy ways to deal with anger? What's the best way to handle anger? Anger. You have to indentify sources of provocating anger. When you're angry, you can choose to express or suppress the emotion. Here's the difference: Expression. This is the act of conveying your anger. Expression ranges from a reasonable, rational discussion to a violent outburst. Suppression. This is an attempt to hold in or ignore your anger. It also includes passive-aggressive responses — in which you don't express your anger constructively but instead scheme to retaliate.Ideally, you'll choose constructive expression — stating your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them. Can anger harm your health?Some research suggests that inappropriately expressing anger — such as keeping anger pent up, seething with rage or having violent outbursts — can be harmful to your health. Such responses might aggravate chronic pain or lead to sleep difficulties or digestive problems. There's even some evidence that stress and hostility related to anger can lead to heart disease and heart attack. When is professional help needed?Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you or is taking a toll on your personal relationships. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:
Anger management classes and counseling can be done individually, with your partner or other family members, or in a group. Request a referral from your doctor to a counselor specializing in anger management, or ask family and friends for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations. What can you do if you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control?Usually, the most rational thing to do is to walk away. If you stay, the situation may escalate into violence. If leaving the situation is difficult or impossible, take reasonable precautions to protect yourself. Don't engage the other person in a manner that's likely to increase the angry behavior. |
| Anger Management Technique |