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Are you feeling unsafe? Do you have a friend who is in a dangerous relationship? If so, you should seek help immediately from a parent/guardian, teacher, doctor, nurse, or counselor right away! What is a healthy relationship? In healthy relationships, there is respect and honesty between both people. This means that you listen to each other's thoughts and opinions and accept each other's right to say no or to change your mind without giving each other a hard time. You should be able to let the other person know how you are feeling. You might disagree or argue sometimes, but in healthy relationships you should be able to talk things out to solve problems. What are the signs that I am in an abusive or unhealthy relationship? There are many signs that you could be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. Take a look at the list of warning signs below and see if any of these describe your relationship. A young couple and an unhappy girlYour friend or the person you are going out with: * gets angry when you talk or hang out with other friends or other dating partners * bosses you around * often gets in fights with other people or loses his or her temper * pressures you to have sex or to do something sexual that you don't want to do * uses drugs and alcohol, and tries to pressure you into doing the same thing * swears at you or uses mean language * blames you for his or her problems or tells you that it is your fault that he or she hurt you * insults or tries to embarrass you in front of other people * has physically hurt you * makes you feel scared of their reactions to things * always wants to know where you are going and who you are with These are just a few of the signs that you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. Sometimes there are only one or two "warning signs" and sometimes there are many. If any of these signs are a part of your relationship, you should speak to a trusted adult such as a parent/guardian, teacher, doctor, nurse, or counselor right away! My friend gets mad if I hang out with other people. What should I do? Be honest and stick to your decision. Tell your friend you like spending time with him or her but that you also want to spend time with other friends and family. Whether you are in a close friendship or a dating relationship, it is important for both of you to stay involved with the activities and interests you enjoyed before you became close. In a healthy relationship, you both need time to hang out with other friends and spend time alone. What are unhealthy relationships? An unhappy young couple Learn more about rape and date rape. In an unhealthy relationship, you usually feel the exact opposite of how you feel when you're in a "healthy relationship." You and your friend do not usually feel good about each other and yourselves. Not all unhealthy relationships are abusive but sometimes they can include verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. This can involve both people being violent or abusive toward each other or can involve only one person doing this to the other. Many times, a relationship is not unhealthy in the very beginning, but becomes so over time. What is abuse? Some people think that their relationship isn't abusive unless there is physical fighting. There are other types of abuse, though. Below is a list of different types of abuse. * Physical abuse is when a person touches your body in an unwanted or violent way. This may include: hitting, kicking, pulling hair, pushing, biting, choking, or using a weapon or other item to hurt you. * Photo of sad teen girl looking out the windowVerbal/emotional abuse is when a person says something or does something that makes you afraid or feel bad about yourself. This may include: yelling, name-calling, saying mean things about your family and friends, embarrassing you on purpose, telling you what to do, or threatening to hurt you or hurt themselves. Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol is also abuse, as is keeping you from spending time with your friends and family. * Sexual abuse is any sexual contact that you do not want. You may have said "no" or may be unable to say no because the abuser has threatened you, stopped you from getting out of the situation, or has physically stopped you from leaving. This may include unwanted touching or kissing or forcing you to have sex. Sexual abuse includes date rape. Why are some people violent? There are many reasons why a person could be violent or abusive to someone in any relationship. For example, a person who has grown up in a violent family may have learned that violence, like hitting or verbal control, was the way to solve a problem. They may be violent because they feel bad about themselves and think they will feel better if they make someone else feel worse. Others may get pressured by their friends to prove how strong they are. Sometimes people have trouble controlling their anger. Yet, violence NEVER solves problems. Drugs and alcohol can also play a part in abusive behavior. There are some people who lose control and hurt someone after they have been drinking or taking drugs. But this is no excuse! Just because someone is under the influence of drugs and alcohol or has a bad temper does not mean that their abusive behavior is okay. No matter why a person is violent physically, verbally/emotionally, or sexually, it is important for you to know that it is not your fault! You are NOT the reason for the violence. Violence is NEVER okay! Why do some people stay in unhealthy or violent relationships? Sometimes it may be hard to get out of an abusive relationship, because violent relationships often go in cycles. After a person is violent, he or she may say sorry and promise never to hurt you again. They may even say that they will work on the relationship, and it may be awhile before that person acts violently again. These ups and downs can make it hard to leave a relationship. Photo of sad teen girlIt's also hard to leave someone you care about. You may be scared or ashamed to admit that you are in an abusive relationship, or you may be simply scared to be alone without that person. You may be afraid that no one will believe you, or that your friend or partner will hurt you more if you tell someone. Whatever the reasons, leaving an unhealthy relationship is hard but it is something you should do. Read on to learn how to leave. Why should I leave? Abusive relationships are very unhealthy for you. You can have trouble sleeping or have headaches or stomach aches. You might feel depressed, sad, anxious or nervous, and you may even lose or gain weight. You may also blame yourself, feel guilty, and have trouble trusting other people in your life. Staying in an abusive relationship can hurt your self-esteem and make it hard for you to believe in yourself. If you are being physically abused, you can be in pain and may suffer permanent damage. You should definitely leave the relationship if you are getting hurt, or if you are being threatened with physical harm in any way. The most important reason to leave an unhealthy relationship is because you deserve to be in a relationship that is healthy and fun. How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship? Photo of a girl watching her boyfriend leaveFirst, if you think that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you should talk to a parent/guardian, friend, counselor, doctor, teacher, coach or other trusted person about your relationship. Tell them why you think the relationship is unhealthy and exactly what the other person has done (hit, pressured you to have sex, tried to control you). See the question "What are the signs that I am in an unhealthy or abusive relationship?" for information that can help you explain your situation to an adult. If need be, this trusted adult can help you contact your parent/guardian, counselors, school security, or even the police about the violence. With help, you can get out of an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes, leaving an abusive relationship can be dangerous, so it is very important for you to make a safety plan. Leaving the relationship will be a lot easier and safer if you have a plan. Here are some tips on making your safety plan: * Go to your doctor or hospital for treatment if you have been injured. * Tell a trusted adult like a parent/guardian, counselor, doctor, teacher, or spiritual or community leader. * Tell the person who is abusing you over the phone that you do not want to see him or her so they cannot touch you. Do this when a parent or guardian is home so you know you will be safe in your house. * Use a diary to keep track of the date the violence happened, where you were, exactly what the person you are dating did, and exactly what effects it caused (such as bruises). This will be important if you need the police to order the person to stay away from you. * Avoid contact with the person. * Spend time with your other friends, and avoid walking by yourself. * Think of safe places to go in case of an emergency, like a police station or a public place like a restaurant or mall. * Carry a cell phone, phone card, or money for a call in case you need to call for help. Use code words on the phone that you and your family decide on ahead of time. If you are in trouble, say the code word on the phone so that your family member knows you can't talk openly and need help right away. What do I do if I am being hurt by a parent/guardian or another family member? Sadly, there are times when different kinds of abuse happen in the home. Child abuse is when any person caring for a child fails to take care of the child, physically hurts the child, or treats the child in a sexual way. No matter what, parents, guardians, and caregivers are supposed to protect and care for their children. The term ‘child abuse’ doesn’t just refer to young children. Child abuse can happen to a child of any age, from infants to teenagers. Learn more about what abuse is, the effects of abuse, and how to seek help. What do I do if a friend tells me that he or she is in an abusive relationship? Photo of worried teen girlIf your friend talks to you about his or her abuse, you can help by: * listening without judging or blaming * telling your friend that you believe him or her * telling your friend that it is NOT his or her fault * telling your friend that you are always there to listen if he or she wants to talk about it * reminding your friend of all the friends and family who care about him or her * letting your friend know that you are worried about his or her safety * telling your friend that you want to help him or her talk to a parent/guardian or other trusted adult right away * offering to go with your friend to talk to an adult * helping your friend make a safety plan (See the question "How do I get out of an unhealthy or abusive relationship?" above for tips on making a safety plan.) Be sure not to take this on alone. Talk with a trusted adult, such as a school counselor, about how to help your friend. Should I have my friend talk to his or her parents/guardians or another adult? Yes! The most important thing that you can do for your friend is to try to get him or her to talk to an adult right away. This adult could be a parent/guardian, coach, teacher, school counselor, doctor, nurse, or spiritual or community leader. Offer to go with your friend to talk to an adult about the abusive relationship. If your friend is nervous about going to talk to an adult, remind him or her that an adult can: * listen and give advice on how to handle the situation * help get him or her to a safe place * help contact the right people, such as the police, the school principal, or a counselor What if my friend won't listen to me and wants to keep the abuse a secret? After you urge your friend to talk to an adult about the abuse, you should also tell an adult. It is too much for you to handle alone. You may think you need to keep your friend's secret, but it is important for you to tell a trusted adult — especially if you are afraid that your friend could get hurt. Your friend will need help even if he or she doesn’t think so. Do not tell your friend to choose between his or her abusive partner and you. Be supportive, no matter what your friend decides to do. Don't tell your friend's secrets to others. What else do I need to know? At least 1 in 10 teens experience physical violence in their relationships. Even if you have not experienced physical, sexual, or verbal and emotional abuse, one of your friends may be in an unhealthy relationship with another friend or dating partner. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, or if your friend is, it is important to get help right away before someone gets hurt! Relationships are an important part of life and are supposed to be fun and special! Safety What is rape and date rape? Get help Rape is sex you don’t agree to, including forcing a body part or object into your vagina, rectum (bottom), or mouth. Date rape is when you are raped by someone you know, like a boyfriend. Both are crimes. Rape is not about sex — it is an act of power by the rapist and it is always wrong. Date rape drugs, which often have no smell or taste, can be given to you without you knowing at parties or in a club — especially where alcohol is served. Alcohol can make you less aware of danger and make you less able to think clearly and resist sexual assault. If you are given date rape drugs, you may not be able to say "no" to unwanted sex and you may not be able to clearly remember what happened. What is sexual assault? Sexual assault and abuse is any kind of sexual activity that you do not agree to, including: * inappropriate touching * vaginal, anal, or oral sex * sex that you say ‘no’ to * rape * attempted rape * child molestation Sexual assault can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces a person to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment. It can happen in different situations, by a stranger in an isolated place, on a date, or in the home by someone you know. What should I know about date rape drugs? Date rape drugs are most commonly used to sexually assault a person. The drugs often have no color, smell, or taste and are easily added to drinks without the victim’s knowledge. These drugs usually cause a person to become helpless — they can hardly move and are not able to protect themselves from being hurt. People who have been given date rape drugs say they felt paralyzed or couldn’t see well, and had black-outs, problems talking, confusion, and dizziness. Date rape drugs can even cause death. It’s hard to know whether a party, club, or concert you plan to go to will be dangerous. Drugs may not be at every party you go to, but you should still have a plan for keeping yourself and your friends safe no matter what. * Say "NO" to alcohol. Have water or soda instead. * Open your own drinks. * Don’t let other people hand you drinks. * Keep your drink with you at all times, even when you go to the bathroom. * Don’t share drinks. * Don’t drink from punch bowls or other large, common, open containers. They may already have drugs in them. * Don’t drink anything that tastes, looks, or smells strange. Sometimes, GHB tastes salty. * Always go to a party, club, or concert with someone you trust, such as a friend or an older brother or sister. * Stay away from "party drugs." They can be pills, liquids, or powders. These drugs can also leave you disoriented and vulnerable. Here are further guidelines. |