What is Bereavement?
Bereavement is the period of sadness after losing a loved one through death.
Grief and mourning occur during the period of bereavement.
When someone you know dies, it can turn your life upside down. The way people grieve when someone dies can be very different; find out about common reactions to death and grieving and what you can do when you’re going through a difficult time.
What is the difference between grief, bereavement and mourning?
The terms grief, bereavement and mourning are often used in place of each other, but they have different meanings.
Grief is the normal process of reacting to the loss.
How long does grief last?
The length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful at times, the grief process should not be rushed. It is important to be patient with yourself as you experience your unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates, holidays, or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss. Taking care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings during these times are ways that can help you cope.
Factors that Affect Complicated Grief
•Researchers study grief reactions to try to find out what might increase the chance that complicated grief will occur.
•Studies have looked at how the following factors affect the grief response:
•Whether the death is expected or unexpected.
•The personality of the bereaved.
•The religious beliefs of the bereaved.
•Whether the bereaved is male or female.
•The age of the bereaved.
•The amount of social support the bereaved has.
Stages of Bereavement
Although no two people experience bereavement in the exact same way, there are four stages that people generally go through. They are:
1.Accepting the loss: acknowledging that the person really is gone
2.Experiencing the pain of grief: allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with grief and not holding it all inside
3.Adjusting to life without your loved one: trying to find ways to get back to your normal everyday life and learn to function without your loved one
4.Moving on: the stage where you are able to cope with the loss in healthy ways and have found a way to continue on
Mourning is how we outwardly express our grief. Many people mourn by having a funeral or wearing all black. The way in which we mourn is heavily dependent upon our culture and religion. In certain religions, placing flowers in the casket of a deceased person shows is sign of mourning, while other religions see it as disrespectful.
Bereavement is the period of grief and mourning after a death. When you grieve, it's part of the normal process of reacting to a loss. You may experience grief as a mental, physical, social or emotional reaction. Mental reactions can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness and despair. Physical reactions can include sleeping problems, changes in appetite, physical problems or illness.
How long bereavement lasts can depend on how close you were to the person who died, if the person's death was expected and other factors. Friends, family and faith may be sources of support. Grief counseling or grief therapy is also helpful to some people.
Coping with Bereavement
Coping with the loss of a loved one and the resulting mix of emotions can be overwhelming. Allowing yourself time to grieve and come to terms with your own feelings is imperative to finding peace. Though it may seem impossible, you must remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to cycle through different emotions and come to a natural feeling of calm and/or acceptance. While you wait, try not to make any major decisions such as moving, changing careers, having a child or getting married that might be made due to overriding emotion rather than logical consideration. Most people find some support a source of comfort when they are bereaved, and seeking out caring friends and relatives, an organised support group or professional help may help you work through your emotions. They will likely also remind you that it is important to express your emotions rather than bottle them up inside, and help you remember that though you have suffered a loss, you are still alive and must live your own life.
Maintaining Physical Health
While you look after your mental health, it is important that you also look after your physical health when you are bereaved. It can be very easy to put off eating, or to overeat, as an emotional response to your loss. Maintaining a healthy diet of fresh, natural foods at this time is imperative. Staying fit and active with at least 30 minutes of exercise three times per week is also important for maintaining your physical health. You will also want to avoid becoming dependent on alcohol, tobacco or illegal drugs to help you cope with your emotions. If at any time you feel that you are becoming physically ill or addicted to a substance, see your GP or a mental health professional immediately to discuss your concerns and create a plan for looking after yourself. After all, becoming ill is not what your loved one would have wanted for you.
Children and Bereavement
Children who experience a sudden and/or profound loss often display and work through their grief in a different manner than do adults. Very often children do not have the vocabulary to express what they are feeling, so it is their behaviour that may become representative of their emotions. Changes in sleeping patterns, bed wetting, eating patterns, thumb sucking and socialising, such as becoming shy or bossy, or avoiding social situations all together, can all be signs of a child trying to cope with bereavement following the loss of a loved one. Children themselves may not even realise that this is what they are doing, for example children will likely not want to bed-wet, and may not have any idea why they have started or how to stop it, so adults must be vigilant in observing changes in children’s behaviour and what these changes may ultimately be communicating.
Bereavement, or the sense of loss experienced by the death of a loved one, will be felt in a different way by each individual. Regardless of what is experienced, time should be taken to work through the emotional aspects of bereavement while care is taken to maintain physical health throughout this time. Children may experience bereavement differently than adults, so their behaviour should be observed as clues to what they may be feeling. Professional help always should be sought if needed to support an individual through bereavement.
How Grief Affects Your Relationships
Usually when someone dies those close to him or her will feel intense emotions that can often unsettle their own personal relationships. Grief, or the emotions felt due to a loss, can be particularly hard to cope with for both the bereaved and those who are trying to be supportive. Thankfully, with mutual respect and patience, relationships can withstand and even sometimes grow stronger due to grief.
What Is Grief?
Generally speaking grief is an emotional response to the death of a loved one. Very often grief is equated to sadness, though it is not always so simple. Instead, grief often involves a progression of different emotions and reactions that include shock and/or numbness, anxiety, anger and sadness. It may take days, weeks or even years for someone who is grieving to cycle through all of these stages and some people never experience all of these emotions due to a particular loss, or experience some emotions related to one loss but different emotions due to another. This is perfectly normal. There is no set itinerary for grief, though if there is a distinct lack of emotional response, or an emotional response so overwhelming that it begins to affect a person’s employment, education or personal relationships then it may be best to consult a counsellor.
Grief and Relationships
Grief can take a toll on relationships because it is primarily an individual experience. Partners can try to understand someone else’s grief but they can never experience it or take on the burden themselves. Grief can have a number of affects on relationships. Partners may grow closer as they need each for support or realise that they would like to spend more time together. However, partners may also grow apart if the grieving individual retreats into him or herself, his or her partner loses patience with grief or a combination. Intimate relationships may also experience a slow period if the grieving individual does not feel like becoming physically close to others. Finally, some relationships may not experience any changes if grief is not intense, if it is fleeting or if partners are able to give and receive support in an open and “efficient” manner.
Supporting Others Through Grief
Perhaps the greatest mistake someone attempting to comfort or console another can make is to insist on how the other must be feeling. Instead, friends and relatives of the bereaved should be patient with whatever emotions the individual may be feeling without deciding whether these emotions are “right” or “appropriate”. Talking about how each person is feeling often helps everyone stay on the same page and understand more about what others are going through, and scheduling activities that the bereaved enjoys may help him or her to experience positive emotions. If more than one person is experience grief at the same time, it may be that allowing each to experience their own grief without feeling that they must make the other feel better helps all involved. However, throughout grief, physical affection, tokens of love and affection, and reminders that others will always be there for the bereaved will likely always be appreciated.
Grief is often a solitary, unique experience. Others will never be able to understand exactly how the bereaved is feeling, so patience with whatever may come will help all relationships stay strong. If it is believed that grief is interfering with the bereaved life then counselling may be in order.
What is bereavement counselling?
Bereavement counselling is designed to help people cope more effectively with the death of a loved one. Specifically, bereavement counselling can:
offer an understanding of the mourning process
explore areas that could potentially prevent you from moving on
help resolve areas of conflict still remaining
help you to adjust to a new sense of self
address possible issues of depression or suicidal thoughts.
You will probably never stop missing the person you lost, but with enough time and the right support, a new life can be pieced together and purpose can be reclaimed.
Bereavement counselling aims to get you to the point where you can function normally - however long it takes. One day, you may be able to find happiness again. By creating a place to keep the person you lost, and finding ways to remember them (like anniversary celebrations, or leaving flowers at a memorial site), you should be able to preserve their memory and honour the impact they had on your life, without letting their absence obscure your own future.
With time, pain does settle.
What should I be looking for in a counsellor or psychotherapist?
Currently there are no official rules or regulations in place that stipulate what level of training a bereavement counsellor needs. However, it is recommended that you check to see if your therapist is experienced in this area.
Children at different stages of development have different understandings of death and the events near death.
Infants
Infants do not recognize death, but feelings of loss and separation are part of developing an awareness of death. Children who have been separated from their mother may be sluggish and quiet, may not respond to a smile or a coo, may have physical symptoms (such as weight loss), and may sleep less.
Age 2-3 years v
Children at this age often confuse death with sleep and may feel anxiety as early as age 3. They may stop talking and appear to feel overall distress.
Age 3-6 years
At this age children see death as a kind of sleep; the person is alive, but only in a limited way. The child cannot fully separate death from life. Children may think that the person is still living, even though he or she might have been buried. The child may ask questions about the deceased (for example, how does the deceased eat, go to the toilet, breathe, or play?). Young children know that death is physical, but think it is not final. v
The child’s understanding of death may involve "magical thinking". For example, the child may think that his or her thoughts can cause another person to become sick or die.
Grieving children under 5 may have trouble eating, sleeping, and controlling the bladder and bowel.
Age 6-9 years
Children at this age are often very curious about death, and may ask questions about what happens to the body when it dies. Death is thought of as a person or spirit separate from the person who was alive, such as a skeleton, ghost, angel, or bogeyman. They may see death as final and scary but as something that happens mostly to old people (and not to themselves).
Grieving children can become afraid of school, have learning problems, show antisocial or aggressive behavior, or become overly worried about their own health and complain of imaginary symptoms. Children this age may either withdraw from others or become too attached and clingy.
Boys often become more aggressive and destructive (for example, acting out in school), instead of showing their sadness openly. v
When one parent dies, children may feel abandoned by both the deceased parent and the living parent, whose grief may make him or her unable to emotionally support the child.
Age 9 and older
Children aged 9 and older know that death cannot be avoided and do not see it as a punishment. By the time a child is 12 years old, death is seen as final and something that happens to everyone.
Grief and Developmental Stages
| Age |
Understanding of Death |
Expressions of Grief |
| Infancy to 2 years |
Is not yet able to understand death. |
Quietness, crankiness, decreased activity, poor sleep, and weight
loss. |
| Separation from mother causes changes. |
| 2-6 years |
Death is like sleeping. |
Asks many questions (How does she go to the bathroom? How does she eat?). |
| Problems in eating, sleeping, and bladder and bowel control. |
| Fear of being abandoned. |
| Tantrums. |
| Dead person continues to live
and function in some ways. |
"Magical thinking" (Did I think or do something that caused the death? Like when I said I hate you and I wish you would die?). |
| Death is not final. |
| Dead person can come back to life. |
| 6-9 years |
Death is thought of as a person or spirit (skeleton, ghost, bogeyman). |
Curious about death. |
| Asks specific questions. |
| May have fears about
school. |
| Death is final and scary. |
May have aggressive behavior
(especially boys). |
| Worries about imaginary
illnesses. |
| Death happens to others, it won’t happen to me. |
May feel abandoned. |
| 9 and older |
Everyone will die. |
Strong emotions, guilt,
anger, shame. |
| Increased anxiety over own death. |
| Mood swings. |
| Death is final. |
Fear of rejection; not wanting to
be different from peers. |
| Even I will die. |
Changes in eating habits. |
| Sleeping problems. |
| Regressive behavior (loss of
interest in outside activities).
|
| Impulsive behavior. |
| Feels guilty about being alive
(especially related to death of a
brother, sister, or peer). |
Types of Grief Reactions
•Anticipatory Grief •Anticipatory grief may occur when a death is expected.
•Anticipatory grief may help the family but not the dying person.
•Anticipatory grief does not always occur.
•Normal Grief•Normal or common grief begins soon after a loss and symptoms go away over time.
•Many bereaved people will have grief bursts or pangs.
•Grief is sometimes described as a process that has stages.
•Complicated Grief
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Treatment of Grief
•Normal grief may not need to be treated.
•Complicated grief may be treated with different types of psychotherapy (talk therapy).•Complicated grief treatment (CGT) is a type of grief therapy that was helpful in a clinical trial.
•Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for complicated grief was helpful in a clinical trial.
•Depression related to grief is sometimes treated with drugs.
How do you proceed with bereavement in Islam?
Remember the person on the 4th and 40th day after his or her death.
In some situations, a yearly gathering is held.
The bereavement period lasts for three days for all mourners.
Bereavement and remembrance are two different issues.
What are normal human reactions during bereavement?
It depends on the type of loss and whether it was expected or sudden.
There is a difference between bereavement duration and the impact of the loss on your life and health.
You must know how to cope with the loss ahead of time.
Why should bereavement and bereavement duration be taken seriously?
People have reported that they could not thrive after the death of a specific person.
These are the reasons normal grief should be differentiated from complicated grief.
What best describes your community practices after the death of a person?
Mourn for 3 days.
Bereavement with Islamic prayer meeting on the 4th-day, 40th-day, and 1-year anniversary of the person’s death.
On the 4th, 9th, 10th, 30th, and 40th days as well as 1 year after the person’s death, an Islamic prayer meeting is held.
If any other practices are followed, please elaborate.
What is Islamic khatam after the death of a person?
Islamic rituals where specific dates are set out to read for the person who has passed away; the Quran must be read in its entirety, preferably on the same day or within a few days of the person’s death, then 40 days after the person has passed away and on the one-year anniversary of the death.
Such rituals are called the Khatams, the Quls, and the fatihah.
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Last Updated: November 25, 2016
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