Improving communication skills #1: Be a good listener

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is more about listening than it is about talking. Listening well means not just understanding the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding how the speaker feels about what they’re communicating. When you really listen, you make the other person feel heard and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening effectively will often come naturally. If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others will become.

Improving communication skills #2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone ever can.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and build better relationships at home and work.

• You can enhance effective communication by using open body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

• Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.
• Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as a whole to get a better “read” on a person.

Tips for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication

• Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel you’re being dishonest. For example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
• Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting with.
• Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—you can use positive body language to signal confidence, even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person at ease.

Improving communication skills #3: Keep stress in check

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions. And that means learning how to manage stress. When you’re stressed, you’re more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid such regrets, but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether the situation requires a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it would be better to remain silent.

Staying calm under pressure

In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved one’s family, for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips can help:

• Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for clarification of a statement before responding.
• Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad thing—pausing can make you seem more in control than rushing your response.
• Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response is too long or you waffle about a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest. Follow one point with an example and then gauge the listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.
• Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open.
• Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even if it leaves a silence in the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

When things start to get heated in the middle of a conversation, you need something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions you’re experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how to maintain a relaxed, energized state of awareness—even when something upsetting happens—you can remain emotionally available and engaged.
To deal with stress during communication:

• Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?
• Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or postpone it.
• Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image, for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses: sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.
• Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.
• Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.
• Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Improving communication skills #4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost self-esteem and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on others.
To improve assertiveness:

• Value yourself and your opinions. They are as important as anyone else’s.
• Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others.
• Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s OK to be angry, but you must be respectful as well.
• Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when needed.
• Learn to say “no”. Know your limits and don’t let others take advantage of you. Look for alternatives so everyone feels good about the outcome.

Basic skills

When you have basic skills, you can read, write, perform arithmetic and mathematical operations, listen, and speak.

• Reading: You can locate, understand, and interpret written information such as manuals, graphs, and schedules.

• Writing: You can communicate thoughts, ideas, information, and messages in writing and create documents such as letters, directions, manuals, reports, graphs, and flow charts.

• Arithmetic/mathematics: You can perform basic computations and approach practical problems by choosing appropriately from a variety of mathematical techniques.

• Listening: You receive, attend to, interpret, and respond to verbal messages and other cues.

• Speaking: You organize ideas and communicate orally.

People skills

These are the skills that allow the “wonder of you” to mesh well with others. They include social, negotiation, leadership, teamwork, and cultural diversity.

• Social: You respect the feelings of others, assert yourself when appropriate, and take an interest in what others say and why they think and act as they do.

• Negotiation: You present the facts and arguments of your position and listen to and understand the other party’s position, create possible ways to resolve conflict, and make reasonable compromises.

• Leadership: You communicate thoughts and feelings to justify the position you champion, encourage or convince others, and motivate people to believe in and trust you.

• Teamwork: You work cooperatively with others, contribute ideas and effort, and do your share of the work.

• Cultural diversity: You work well with people who have different ethnic, social, or educational backgrounds.

Thinking skills

These skills enable you to think creatively, make decisions, solve problems, visualize, and know how to learn and reason.

• Creative thinking: You generate new ideas.

• Decision making: You have the ability to specify goals and understand reasons not to do something.

• Problem solving: You can recognize a problem and devise a plan of action to deal with it.

• Visualizing: You can picture symbols and organize them in your mind’s eye.

• Knowing how to learn: You are able to use efficient learning techniques to acquire and apply new knowledge and skills.

• Reasoning: You concentrate on discovering a rule or principle underlying the relationship between two or more objects and then apply it to solve a problem.

Personal qualities

Classified as skills, these personal qualities include responsibility, self-esteem, sociability, self-management, integrity, and honesty.

• Responsibility: You put forth a high level of effort and persevere toward reaching your goal.

• Self-esteem: You believe in your own self-worth and maintain a positive view of yourself.

• Sociability: You show understanding, friendliness, adaptability, empathy, and politeness in group settings.

• Self-management: You have a realistic view of your knowledge and skills, set realistic personal goals, and monitor progress toward those goals.

  
  Here are further guidelines.